8:50am a new angel is in heavn- she went very peacefully. 12/13/08

Thank you all for your prayers.

Thursday - Pain Management ~~ Hospice estimates 2-3 days time frame left.

UPDATED - chatted to nurse tonight and she says it varies greatly from person to person. 11:30pm

Hospice came today and after checking her pulse, her oxygen levels, her breathing etc, then had a conversation with us. Accordingly - Jeanine was nodding her head to questions, and responses from Tracy and I.

WE choose the "pain management" approach - to her continuing discomfort in bed. We have options to adjust this as needed or change aspects of it to see what is best.

This comes after both tracy and I could hardly talk sensibly from being so exhausted from being up all night with Jeanine's discomfort.

WE choose this not for our comfort level - but for her's. So we are now both basket cases.

Accordingly - I may close visiting hours when your visiting depending upon her condition or need for quiet etc. Bear with me on this as I realize you all love her - but I have to be the judge.

Men are no longer I think an option in visiting, I will chat this over with my daughter if a male does make a request.

I will probably respond better to emails then phone messages currently as the phone ringer is turned off to allow Jeanine to rest without intrustion.

Chuck

Of course you pick up something to read Jeanine and it hits center ~

I was crushed ,,,,, so much so that I despaired even of life, but that was to make me rely not on myself, but on the God who raises the dead (2 Cor 1:8-9)

The pressure of hard places makes us value life. Every time our life is given back to us from such a trial it is like a new beginning, and we learn better how much it is worth, and make more of it for God and man. The pressure helps us to understand the trials of others, and fits us to help and sympathize with them.
There is a shallow, superficial nature, that gets hold of a therory or a promise lightly, and talks very glibly about the distrust of those who shrink from every trial: but the man or woman who has suffered much never does this, but is very tender and gentle, and knows what suffering really means. this is what Paul meant when he said "Death worketh in you."
Trial and hard places are needed to press us forward, even as the furnace fires in the hold of that mighty ship give force that moves the piston, drives the engine, and propels that great vessel across the sea in the face of the winds and waves A.B. Simpson

Wednesday Afternoon

THE Kitchen door is open ~~

Anyone who wishes to visit ( which may just entail sitting at her side) may do so between the hours of 10am and 9pm at night as long as you call beforehand.

I will try to maintain only one person here as more then one gets a bit much for her.

This helps Tracy and myself as well.

Men will have to give more of an advance notice as we will have to make her more presentable. ( Better dressed and this takes a bit of time)

You may simply be sitting next to her reading a book as she rests, but your presence is appreciated.

WE GOT HER MOVED today ~ whew

Everything worked out well with the wheelchair, move bed, put her back in bed today. Jeanine collapsed for about 2 1/2 hrs afterwards of exhaustion.

Without Bob Kline we would have never pulled this off ~~ I think Bob enjoys making me cry.

Julie visited and my sister is currently here, I think Nancy is coming later.

We are discussing that perhaps all the fidgeting Jeanine is doing might be a side effect of adivan. So perhaps that is why she is struggling so much at night. What we are giving her for her anxiety is perhaps triggering it to greater degrees. Pray we find the right combination.

The housecleaner came today - and she broke down totally into tears when she finally learned of Jeanine's condition - which of course triggered me into breakdown. Jeanine certainly touches a lot of peoples hearts ~~

Chuck

Wednesday morning

I had bed duty last night - Tracy covered for me the night before and somehow we have stumbled into a rotation to keep ourselves sane. (Bed duty is sleeping in the same room trying to help her if possible all thru the night)
This is getting harder each day and seemingly more demanding on all of us.
My thoughts last night centered around the barbarism of nailing Jesus to the Cross and having to watch that epic torture. What am I? Or Tracy to learn from this horrible transistion of dying that Jeanine is going thru. I felt almost selfish trying to gain some sleep at all last night as Jeanine struggled in bed.
We do not have any actual "knock out" drugs to use for Jeanine that she can tolerate. So this occurs ~ She has a blood clot in her left leg - and also lymphodemia ( sure wrong spelling) in her left arm. She seemingly cannot be made comfortable without the use of elevation of her leg, padding for her left arm, padding for her right knee and padding for her right arm. This is in the form of pillows of all shapes, sizes and covers. ( which have to be washed each day and the pillow has to be kept in a garbage bag to prevent it from needing washing as well.)
We set all this up ~ then she proceeds to thrash about in bed pushing all the pillows out of bed or moving them. Then she calls out for help. We reset the pillows as she almost has tears in her eyes, and watch as she then kicks the pillows out of bed within 2 mins again.
I actually spent almost 20 mins each time trying different methods - Like keeping my hand against the one pillow which made it impossible for her to kick it out of bed - my hand against the pillow so when she tried to kick it out with her other leg - it was a push war in which I hoped to simply exhaust her.
Toss in the constant effort of trying to prevent her from ripping the bandages off her stomach, or the oxygen tube from her nose or trying to take off her bandages to wipe her nose or to cram alongside a pillow or to use as padding. Then toss in every 2 hrs having to remove all the pillows, tilt her into an extremely painful posistion to go tinkle then reset this all again.
Then of course for you that are unaware - she has cancer from her shoulders to almost her kneecaps. Figure the worst poison oak you have ever experienced, add in bleeding, and weeping. That is what we have to cover with salve and huge pads for comfort.
Tracy and I chat about this and wonder where is god, or what is this purpose, why?, we express anger and cry together.

Jeanine herself is really only there going thru the pain - she cannot even hardly respond with a head shake for communication for yes or no when your trying to guess what she is attempting to communicate. She is slurring words, and unable to do sentences. She can only mumble things like "pink" which your baffled at for some time thinking its a pain pill or a stool softner she is after at 3am - when she wants a pepcid pill.
Later today we are to move her to the living room - I fear this greatly, as jeanine somehow has attached great hopes to this move as somehow being a cure all for her discomfort and her being able to somehow miraculously walk again -(which she wanted to do last night - walk that is)
Yes, Tracy and I both feel Jeanine is dying. Yes most of you who read this are under the impression that Jeanine will be healed. We are in the trench, we smell death approaching we cannot change what god will do for better or for worse - your interpetation of course.

I am sorry if I have offended anyone - I just call it like it is - I have been called "blunt" many times.
((oh and of course the attending hospice nurse is off today so we cannot discuss how to ease jeanine's pain from thrashing about so much at night))

I just got off the phone with hospital bed people - they are coming between 12-2, Bob Kline has volunteered to help me move Jeanine and stay for the possible 2 hr time window. I can hardly type for the tears for both him offering and me having to ask as seeing jeanine in this state and the cancer is something I do not wish for anyone to experience.

Tuesday Afternoon ~ ROUGH day - hospice was unable to make the bed change happen today. Jeanine is unable to stand on her own, and is major mad at me for not making it happen.
Hospice lady came by to chat to me at length. Tracy ran errands to pick up needed bandgages and drugs.
Jeanine is majorly uncomfortable currently and all we can really do is give her more drugs to try to make her comfortable.
I was told by hospice that what happens is the cancer will shut her liver down - making the poisons it normally takes out of the system instead leaving them to go to her brain and further confuse her ~ and take it out on the ones closest to her ~~ hmmm did they just make me a bigger target?
Julie was by earlier making it a bit easier for jeanine and was requested to come back later as well. ( She does such wonderful things as putting body lotion on her body for her etc)

Chuck