Wednesday morning

I had bed duty last night - Tracy covered for me the night before and somehow we have stumbled into a rotation to keep ourselves sane. (Bed duty is sleeping in the same room trying to help her if possible all thru the night)
This is getting harder each day and seemingly more demanding on all of us.
My thoughts last night centered around the barbarism of nailing Jesus to the Cross and having to watch that epic torture. What am I? Or Tracy to learn from this horrible transistion of dying that Jeanine is going thru. I felt almost selfish trying to gain some sleep at all last night as Jeanine struggled in bed.
We do not have any actual "knock out" drugs to use for Jeanine that she can tolerate. So this occurs ~ She has a blood clot in her left leg - and also lymphodemia ( sure wrong spelling) in her left arm. She seemingly cannot be made comfortable without the use of elevation of her leg, padding for her left arm, padding for her right knee and padding for her right arm. This is in the form of pillows of all shapes, sizes and covers. ( which have to be washed each day and the pillow has to be kept in a garbage bag to prevent it from needing washing as well.)
We set all this up ~ then she proceeds to thrash about in bed pushing all the pillows out of bed or moving them. Then she calls out for help. We reset the pillows as she almost has tears in her eyes, and watch as she then kicks the pillows out of bed within 2 mins again.
I actually spent almost 20 mins each time trying different methods - Like keeping my hand against the one pillow which made it impossible for her to kick it out of bed - my hand against the pillow so when she tried to kick it out with her other leg - it was a push war in which I hoped to simply exhaust her.
Toss in the constant effort of trying to prevent her from ripping the bandages off her stomach, or the oxygen tube from her nose or trying to take off her bandages to wipe her nose or to cram alongside a pillow or to use as padding. Then toss in every 2 hrs having to remove all the pillows, tilt her into an extremely painful posistion to go tinkle then reset this all again.
Then of course for you that are unaware - she has cancer from her shoulders to almost her kneecaps. Figure the worst poison oak you have ever experienced, add in bleeding, and weeping. That is what we have to cover with salve and huge pads for comfort.
Tracy and I chat about this and wonder where is god, or what is this purpose, why?, we express anger and cry together.

Jeanine herself is really only there going thru the pain - she cannot even hardly respond with a head shake for communication for yes or no when your trying to guess what she is attempting to communicate. She is slurring words, and unable to do sentences. She can only mumble things like "pink" which your baffled at for some time thinking its a pain pill or a stool softner she is after at 3am - when she wants a pepcid pill.
Later today we are to move her to the living room - I fear this greatly, as jeanine somehow has attached great hopes to this move as somehow being a cure all for her discomfort and her being able to somehow miraculously walk again -(which she wanted to do last night - walk that is)
Yes, Tracy and I both feel Jeanine is dying. Yes most of you who read this are under the impression that Jeanine will be healed. We are in the trench, we smell death approaching we cannot change what god will do for better or for worse - your interpetation of course.

I am sorry if I have offended anyone - I just call it like it is - I have been called "blunt" many times.
((oh and of course the attending hospice nurse is off today so we cannot discuss how to ease jeanine's pain from thrashing about so much at night))

I just got off the phone with hospital bed people - they are coming between 12-2, Bob Kline has volunteered to help me move Jeanine and stay for the possible 2 hr time window. I can hardly type for the tears for both him offering and me having to ask as seeing jeanine in this state and the cancer is something I do not wish for anyone to experience.